Spawn – Page 8 – Disco Knitter

Still here

Just suffering under the weight of a massive head cold, a 3000 word essay on environmental peace that just will not write itself, a dodgy leg that I don’t have time to get x-rayed, a kid that screams his head off if you open the door before he gets there to open it for you, a cousin with melanoma, another cousin with a shattered knee from a motorbike accident, and a dear family friend with a brain tumour.

Just for some light relief…

I am a few months late with the remainder of this terms playgroup fees for the Steiner playgroup we attend, so I transferred some money, and went to an ATM, which promptly ate my card. On the verge of tears, a perfect stranger came up and asked if I was ok. I explained the situation, and he not only took me into the bank to chat with the manager, he also offered to loan me some money so I could buy some lunch. Then five minutes later I was chatting with a lady in the post office (she forgot her glasses, and needed help to read an address), I told her why I was muttering under my breath – and she also offered to loan me money!

In less than 10 minutes, two perfect strangers both offered to help me out. I was struck their kindness, and it really brightened my day. And in a perverse way, thinking about my babies made the whole thing seem trivial. I thought of them, and walked away from the situation knowing that losing access to my bank account is really a minor blip of irritation. I was quite cheerful after that. I know that sounds flippant and strange, but for me it is a big thing to be able to think about my babies without drowning in my own agony of loss, and to be able to start to examine my reactions dispassionately.

I’m still crazy, and probably would have been locked up in the days of a decent mental health budget, but things are getting better.

Salvador Dali

So many words today

Today I went to the ABA NSW Branch conference, and attended a small group session on stillbirth and neonatal loss for health professionals.

I met friends I hadn’t seen in ages, met their babies for the first time, or learned of new pregnancies. I told people what I had been through in general terms, and with others I was more specific.

I was told that I looked well, that I am coping well, that I seem to be coping better, that they are sorry for my loss, that they can’t imagine what it has been like for me, and I was hugged. A lot.

And I was told that I am brave. I replied that I had a child to care for, that being brave wasn’t a choice, that Inigo deserves to have a functioning mama.

And she said, “it’s a choice. Some people make the other choice, but you didn’t. And that is the definition of bravery”.

So I am going to give myself a little bit of credit for that. I am still alive. My standards are pretty low, but I have met at least one of them.

Queer Friendly Vegetarian Attachment Parents in Granville

A long time ago, I had a little fantasy about meeting other cool people in Granville.

Since then, I have met lots of cool people, and I am loving living here. We’ve been worrying about where Inigo is going to go to school in 2013, and considered moving, but really, we love it here and don’t want to move. Plus, our house has increased in value by about $80,000 while we have lived here.

But today, I met some babywearing, vegetarian mums! I am so happy I could just fall over.

Except that now I have a lunch menu to plan, I have to cook something impressive when they come over 😉

Boobs to the wind!

Well, it might be a little cold for that at the moment, but the anti discrimination laws have just been amended to specifically protect breastfeeding.

And remember, every time you breastfeed in public, you are sending the message that breastfeeding is normal, and you might just be part of the change that will make breastfeeding easier for the next generation of mothers.

Parenting Expo

I am slowly easing my way back into ABA volunteering, and yesterday I did a few hours at the expo. It was fine, but one conversation made me want to scream.

Very obviously pregnant lady approaches…

Lara – Hi, do you need some information?

VOPL – I’m having twins.

Lara – (Grits teeth) Congratulations.

VOPL – yeah, right. Do you want one?

Lara – (In my own head, I say, “yes, desperately. I want both of them). Outwardly, I just smile. If only she knew what I had been through, she would never think those things, let alone say them to a perfect stranger.

But I understand. After the shock, and the pain, I understand.

Mama, why is it five o’clock?

“I don’t know baby, is it five o’clock?” – looks at clock. It’s 5.05pm.

“How did you know it was five o’clock?

Inigo points at the clock.

That kid just amazes me and amazes me. He’ll be three and a half at the end of this month, and is just going leaps and bounds with his learning. This morning (after multiple free trials), we bought a reading eggs subscription for him, and he is starting to read words of up to three letters. Everywhere we go, I have to read sign to him, and if I happen to get one wrong (or read the wrong sign), he often corrects me. For a while, he’s been able to read the names of all his nearest and dearest, and now he is also starting to spell them too. And for mothers day, I got a card that said “Inigo (heart) Mama”. He wrote all the letters himself – but daddy drew the heart for him to trace over.

I certainly don’t think he is the most brilliant child that ever lived, but watching him learn is so much fun, and every day is a new surprise.

And the emotional stuff is amazing too. This morning we were looking at a picture of Archie, and he said, “that’s Archie. He is my brother, but he died. I loved Archie”.

Inigo on the bus to the marina from the airport.

What else do I need?

Inigo and I have been doing some gardening this morning. During a quiet moment, he put his arms around me and asked, “Are you OK mama?”.

I said, “Yes baby, of course. I have you and I have daddy, what else do I need?”.

“Archie and Aubrey”, he said.

Yesterday it was six months since my beautiful boy left us. I did nothing to commemorate the day, but I did think about him a lot. Six months, and my world has entirely changed. I’ve lost friends, gained friends, drunk a lot, gained a lot of weight, and cried a lot of tears.

I wonder what the next six months will bring.

Mama, how do girls pee if they haven’t got a penis?

You’d be surprised at the vast array of things girls can do without a penis my darling….

Perhaps it’s to early to be discussing sexism and the other horrors of the world? I’ve told him that Libyans are getting killed because they don’t like their boss, that Japan got a big owie and it might get a lot bigger, and that having a morals clause on permanent residency is just plain mean, but I am not sure that feminism is going to sink in, since he is still not exactly sure what the difference between girls and boys is.

Comments?

Fiji

We’re off on Tuesday the 26th, and back on the 5th of May. We all have passports, and apparently I will be able to travel on my ticket despite the fact that my passport is still in my old name. We have Fiji dollars, we have sunscreen, and we have a small budget (Mark’s company will reimburse us for “expenses”, but I don’t want to bankrupt them with my daiquiri bill!).

Inigo asks every day, “are we going to Fiji today mama?”, and Bev and Ted have been showing him pictures of his father in Fiji at a similar age.

I’m not excited yet, because I still feel like it’s not real. It’s too amazing, and generous, and crazy, and I suppose I am still a little out of touch with reality.

I went to the neonatal loss support group at SIDS & Kids today, and consequently was a bit of a mess this afternoon. But there were women (and a man) there whose losses were a lot more recent than mine, so it was a positive experience to reflect on the rawness of their grief, and to realise that I really have come a long way in a short space of time.

Archie would have been six months old the day after we get back from Fiji. I’d be getting info about when to start solids for his adjusted age, and watching his gross motor skills develop in leaps and bounds. His curly hair would be doing its thing, and I’d be watching him get fatter and fatter week by week as I breastfed him, and breathed in his scent as he fell asleep in my arms.

Of course, if we had Aubrey too, the fantasy has a few more vomit stained tracksuits and a lot more screaming, but hey, it’s my fantasy…