Just when I thought the crap was on a wee hiatus….

I had my first ever at fault car accident. Rear ended a lovely woman on her way to work. Thank goodness Inigo is OK (we were on our way to Papa and Grandma’s house when it happened), so both of us saw the GP and the physio yesterday. Inigo seems perfectly fine, I have some whiplash, but because I got it treated early it is much better than I expected. So as well as wasting an entire day of study, Bev and Ted spent the whole day ferrying Inigo and I to appointments, and Ted took our car to the repairers. Bernard is going to cost $1,500 to put right enough that he will be driveable again, but we won’t be fixing to cosmetic damage. Goodness knows how much the other car is going to cost to fix, but I just feel awful for the other woman who was just minding her own business until I crashed into her and turned her life upside down.

A friend recently told me that I am too high needs and that I create drama in my life. She subsequently decided that the cost benefit analysis on our friendship was not in my favour, and terminated the friendship. So I spent a lot of time yesterday really down on myself, and thinking that she was right, that just when things were going well, I sabotaged myself.

But really, it’s only sabotage if I allow it to drag me down, right? If I maintain my positive mental attitude and soldier on, I am still in charge of my own destiny – even if only control how I react to shit, though I can’t control the shit itself.

That is why they call them accidents.

Nice Stuff

The pain of the last few weeks is getting better. I’ve submitted my first assignment, and have only to wait for results. Mark is moments away from booking our fabulous free holiday (Fiji, a few nights in a posh resort, and a few nights in an even posher hotel). Inigo is giving me (and asking for) lots, and lots, and lots of love. He is a little bit worried that we are going to run short of love because we are using so much of it, but I have assured him that the supply is infinite.

So I am going to continue to add little bits of good stuff to the blog to keep posting something, anything, that isn’t maudlin and depressing.

Here are a few things I came across today that lifted my mood a little, so I thought I would share.

Via Sally, an article about a lace knitting Master. Nothing earth shattering, but lovely.

Nature thrives in Chernobyl. Awesome. Even though we have irradiated the whole area, just the fact that we have left the area alone for so long has meant that the flora and fauna are thriving, despite the radiation.

Baby Lily (Maree’s new baby, she was due the day after Archie and Aubrey were due) slept in my arms for over an hour today. I think she likes me.

I’m doing a naming ceremony for a friends baby in a few weeks, and I finally got the draft ceremony completed. And I have a wedding coming up in September!

Oh, and I found out that next year I can do a subject called “Psychology for Parents” (or something like that), which sounds really interesting!

And my last “thing” is about my hair – it’s been falling out drastically for about 6 weeks now. My hairline has noticeably receded, and I feel like my hair has reduced in volume by about 50%. You can also see my scalp where before my hair used to be very thick. I know some hairloss is normal after pregnancy, but this is getting to the point where it’s not normal. I spoke to a lactation consultant who said that my loss is beyond what is normal after a pregnancy, and is probably related to the stress and shock of what I have been through. This makes sense, as my fingernails also have a noticeable ridge… Anyway, that all sounds crappy, but the GOOD news is that my hair will probably grow back.

I bloody well hope so, I’d look crap as a baldy.

Passionate Sadness

Two words to describe grief.

I’ve had to take a major step forward this week, and leave a personal issue in the past. That, and my conversations with Inigo have meant that the last two weeks have been the worst since Archie died. No. Last Monday was the worst day (bar the 6th of November 2010), of my entire life.

But I made a decision to stick with uni, and I have an assignment due on Monday. So I have had to get a grip, and knuckle down. Assignment one in “Environmental Peace” has been electronically submitted tonight, and now I have tomorrow to catch up on a week of psychology homework. Ask me about salinity in the Murray-Darling Basin 😉

It doesn’t mean I am not sad, or inhuman, just that I realise that my choices are mine to grasp, not to passively accept the weight of the crap that has rained down on me in these last 12 months.

And today? Inigo told me that he didn’t want to go and see Alex (possibly his favourite person), because he wanted to stay with mama. Maybe I am doing a better job of staying jolly in front of him? Or maybe he accepts that I am flawed, and loveable anyway.

Breastfeeding to be included in anti discrimination legislation?

Changes to the federal Sex Discrimination Act are imminent. A Bill is before the Commonwealth Parliament now that seeks to establish breastfeeding as a specific ground of both direct and indirect discrimination. It has passed the House of Reps and will probably be debated in the Senate on Monday. It pretty much has bipartisan support, so hopefully it will pass next week.



I don’t know about you, but the earthquake in Christchurch really bothered me. Stories of babies torn from the arms of their mothers, and one mother in particular who was a long way away from her baby when the quake struck. The New Zealanders are very much like us. They aren’t just neighbours, they are family.

And now Japan. I lived in Tokyo for a while in 1994, and I have never lost my deep love of the country and its people. And it looks like it’s about to get worse.

And this on top of what has happened in QLD and VIC is just too much tragedy for one year.

I’m a blood donor, but I haven’t been able to donate for a while. The Red Cross have my email address, and today they asked me to set up a fundraising page and set a target for my friends to contribute.

Now, normally I shy away from internet memes, but I figure that if a few of my friends chucked in $5, or $10, or the price of a pizza, it wouldn’t be hard for us to reach $100 in the name of Disco.

So if you thought about donating but haven’t got around to it yet, please click here and contribute a little something. I’m going to donate the cost of the 1 litre bottle of gin I won’t be buying this week.

The sacrifices I make 😉

I’ve decided to stick with uni

I’ve spent a bit of time thinking about how I can connect better with the kid, so he doesn’t feel like my sadness is overwhelming for him. And frankly, dropping out of uni isn’t the answer. I think that the key to being less sad around the kid is actually being less sad. And actually achieving something with my life that isn’t about doing something for Inigo (not that that isn’t fulfilling 😉 ) is ultimately going to be the fastest ride out of sadville.

I’ve also connected with another mum who lost a baby at 23 weeks. She is a few years further down the road than I am, so I am really interested in both her experiences of loss and how she survived, but also in how her elder child is dealing with things. She sent me an email telling me that my crazy “why not do a psychology degree” behaviour is actually pretty typical in her experience. She said that in her support group, a lot of the mums did something a bit crazy within about 4 months of losing their babies. Some moved interstate or overseas, some left marriages, some began to study, or quit study if they were already enrolled. She tried to cut all her hair off and move interstate, but was talked down by a kind hairdresser. So what I am doing isn’t abnormal, or strange for those of us “in the club”, it just looks quite mental from the outside. I can live with that.

Inigo is an awesome kid (who apparently prefers his name to be written in a serifed font), and I suppose there are just going to be more and more times when he outsmarts me. So the sooner I get that psych degree (with a major in child development!), the better.

Tomorrow I am off to the ABA conference, where I hope to see Dr James McKenna (click the link then scroll down to see his theory about limbic regulation, fascinating) speak about co-sleeping, and all sorts of other wonderful insights about boobs and how to use them. And then Thursday with the kid, then Friday to finish my essay for Environmental Peace (I am doing salinity in the Murray Darling Basin), the weekend to play with the kid and do a final draft of my essay, ready to submit on Sunday night.

And by then, of course, this shitty, shitty fortnight will be behind me, and I will be looking forward to my first High Distinction. Onwards and upwards!

Another conversation

Miriam, come here!

Mama is right here baby, what do you need.

No mama, I want Miriam, go away.

What is wrong baby?

I don’t want you to be my mama. I want a mama that isn’t sad all the time.


And right there, I wanted to die. I thought that I wasn’t going to be able to draw another breath into my body. How can I recover from that, repair my relationship with the most important person in the world? I thought I was doing a great job of staying positive, and upbeat, and jolly. I thought I was succeeding in being a good mama, despite my huge sadness.

But no, I suck. So now I am wondering if I need to give up uni and spend more time with my baby, despite the fact that uni has been one thing that I have really been enjoying. Should I quit and try to be more focussed on Inigo, or should I keep going and hope that it makes me happier so that I am more fun to be around in the long run?

We had a long talk in the car on the way home, and he assures me that tomorrow, when he wakes up from a big sleep and feels better, he will ask me to be his mama again. I hope so. Otherwise, mama won’t know how to keep breathing.

A conversation in the car

Mama, our babies died.

Yes darling, they both died.

But I wanted to bring them home with us. I wanted to have my baby brothers.

Me too baby.

I miss them, I want my brothers. Why did they die?

I miss them too – and we did everything we could to keep them with us. Sometimes, if you try really, really hard, you can change the outcomes. But sometimes, it doesn’t matter how hard you try, how hard you work, or how hard you hope, some things just don’t work out the way you want them to.

And they just died.

Yes bubbaloo. They died. And we’re very sad.

But I want my brothers. I want my brothers.


Just when you think things are going well, it all turns to shit. I am assured by my gorgeous grief counsellor that I am handling Inigo’s questions well, but it kills me to have to be so calm and considered, when all I want to do is sob and scream, and rage. But I don’t, because my baby needs me to be a grown up. And that’s a choice.