Another conversation

Miriam, come here!

Mama is right here baby, what do you need.

No mama, I want Miriam, go away.

What is wrong baby?

I don’t want you to be my mama. I want a mama that isn’t sad all the time.

———————————————————————————

And right there, I wanted to die. I thought that I wasn’t going to be able to draw another breath into my body. How can I recover from that, repair my relationship with the most important person in the world? I thought I was doing a great job of staying positive, and upbeat, and jolly. I thought I was succeeding in being a good mama, despite my huge sadness.

But no, I suck. So now I am wondering if I need to give up uni and spend more time with my baby, despite the fact that uni has been one thing that I have really been enjoying. Should I quit and try to be more focussed on Inigo, or should I keep going and hope that it makes me happier so that I am more fun to be around in the long run?

We had a long talk in the car on the way home, and he assures me that tomorrow, when he wakes up from a big sleep and feels better, he will ask me to be his mama again. I hope so. Otherwise, mama won’t know how to keep breathing.

9 thoughts on “Another conversation”

  1. Huge hugs.
    Mama needs to stay at Uni for a little while, and not make her decisions based on a really down day.

    Your little one knows that Mama has changed – and other than loving him to bits and continuing to do things together that you both enjoy there’s not much you can do about that.

    Maybe Inigo is ready to learn a bit more about why the babies died – so he realises that something went majorly wrong months before they died, and that so many people tried very hard to help them but they still didn’t grow for long enough to live. That it wasn’t anything any of you did or didn’t do. And that it’s not likely to happen to him, or to you or to his Dad….

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  2. Three year olds don’t think like us. I don’t know quite how they think, but it’s not like us. So try not to take it too hard, I doubt he means it as badly as it sounds.

    There’s a lot of wisdom in the principle that you need to put your own oxygen mask on first.

    And if you like I will be horrible next time he visits 🙂

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  3. I have no words.

    But I mentioned you in conversation yesterday. I have three friends I think of when I need to be a better person. You are one of them.

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  4. Many hugs! Continue uni – Mama needs to do things that she enjoys, and I’ve heard enjoyment is the infectious precursor to feelings of happy. Taking care of yourself plays a big part in taking care of those around you.

    You don’t suck at all! (Promise.)

    xx

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  5. this is not uncommon……my reply was always non committal ..Oh dont you like me (love me ) ..oh well i love /like you …..they say it to teat your reaction……….

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  6. I’m with Miriam – 3 year olds think differently from us. When Clare was 3 she went over the road to a neighbour and asked her to be her Mummy, because her own Mummy couldn’t read! (three year old fed up with flash cards!)
    Horrible feeling though.
    But if what he wants is a happier Mummy, and Uni is helping with that – sounds like he’d say you should keep on with it. Fun isn’t the main thing he needs from you, he’s got constancy and love, boundaries, safety,etc etc etc etc

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