Category: Spawn

A dear friends mum had surgery to remove a brain tumour today. And when I asked him if he needed someone to be with him, he didn’t say, “no, I’ll be fine”. So I spent the day at the hospital with him and his sister while they waited for the call to tell them that she was ok. The anticipated wait time was 2-3 hours, but it was four hours before the phone rang, and nearly another two before they could go in and see her.

They got 95% of the tumour, but it was malignant, and aggressive. Next up radiation therapy, and possibly chemo.

On the way home from the hospital I learned that one of my uncles has melanoma, and it has spread to one of his lymph nodes.

Please, no more bad news for just a little while…

And here is a picture of a small boy having a massage in a tropical paradise.

Just suffering under the weight of a massive head cold, a 3000 word essay on environmental peace that just will not write itself, a dodgy leg that I don’t have time to get x-rayed, a kid that screams his head off if you open the door before he gets there to open it for you, a cousin with melanoma, another cousin with a shattered knee from a motorbike accident, and a dear family friend with a brain tumour.

Just for some light relief…

I am a few months late with the remainder of this terms playgroup fees for the Steiner playgroup we attend, so I transferred some money, and went to an ATM, which promptly ate my card. On the verge of tears, a perfect stranger came up and asked if I was ok. I explained the situation, and he not only took me into the bank to chat with the manager, he also offered to loan me some money so I could buy some lunch. Then five minutes later I was chatting with a lady in the post office (she forgot her glasses, and needed help to read an address), I told her why I was muttering under my breath – and she also offered to loan me money!

In less than 10 minutes, two perfect strangers both offered to help me out. I was struck their kindness, and it really brightened my day. And in a perverse way, thinking about my babies made the whole thing seem trivial. I thought of them, and walked away from the situation knowing that losing access to my bank account is really a minor blip of irritation. I was quite cheerful after that. I know that sounds flippant and strange, but for me it is a big thing to be able to think about my babies without drowning in my own agony of loss, and to be able to start to examine my reactions dispassionately.

I’m still crazy, and probably would have been locked up in the days of a decent mental health budget, but things are getting better.

Today I went to the ABA NSW Branch conference, and attended a small group session on stillbirth and neonatal loss for health professionals.

I met friends I hadn’t seen in ages, met their babies for the first time, or learned of new pregnancies. I told people what I had been through in general terms, and with others I was more specific.

I was told that I looked well, that I am coping well, that I seem to be coping better, that they are sorry for my loss, that they can’t imagine what it has been like for me, and I was hugged. A lot.

And I was told that I am brave. I replied that I had a child to care for, that being brave wasn’t a choice, that Inigo deserves to have a functioning mama.

And she said, “it’s a choice. Some people make the other choice, but you didn’t. And that is the definition of bravery”.

So I am going to give myself a little bit of credit for that. I am still alive. My standards are pretty low, but I have met at least one of them.

Well, it might be a little cold for that at the moment, but the anti discrimination laws have just been amended to specifically protect breastfeeding.

And remember, every time you breastfeed in public, you are sending the message that breastfeeding is normal, and you might just be part of the change that will make breastfeeding easier for the next generation of mothers.

Inigo and I have been doing some gardening this morning. During a quiet moment, he put his arms around me and asked, “Are you OK mama?”.

I said, “Yes baby, of course. I have you and I have daddy, what else do I need?”.

“Archie and Aubrey”, he said.

Yesterday it was six months since my beautiful boy left us. I did nothing to commemorate the day, but I did think about him a lot. Six months, and my world has entirely changed. I’ve lost friends, gained friends, drunk a lot, gained a lot of weight, and cried a lot of tears.

I wonder what the next six months will bring.