More nothing

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Bonnie came with me to the hospital today, and Roshni was back from holidays. It was actually really lovely to touch base with her again – she said that she’d been thinking about me lately. She and I do have a lovely understanding.

1 in 200 miscarriages results in bleeding that goes beyond what is healthy. If this happens, and you don’t get to hospital, things get ugly. Which is why Roshni thinks I should opt for the D&C, and avoid the risk. From her perspective, it’s better to avoid that .5% risk than take the risk of having surgery.

From my perspective, the inherent risks of surgery (general anaesthetic, infection, sharp instruments near bits of me that have had quite a ride already…) far outweigh the benefits of well, waiting.

Don’t get me wrong, I HATE waiting. But having unnecessary surgery to avoid having to wait seems a bit extreme, even to me. Normally, miscarriages happen between 2-4 weeks after the baby stops growing. Which means that I am just inside the window now, and that if I wait another 2 weeks, statistically, I’m likely to miscarry naturally.

Worst case scenario, if I do bleed too much, I have good support, I can get myself to hospital, or call an ambulance, or call someone to help out. I am paranoid enough to be cautious, and I’ve already experienced a nasty infection, so I know about the warning signs there too.

All in all, I am comfortable with the decision to wait, apart from the requirement that I attend the hospital every week until I get the all clear.

That sucks.

And the worst bit? I’m still deathly tired, and still puking.

So rude.

That’s just great

9pm on a Tuesday night, and my temp is going up. Feeling a bit crappy.

Just like I did before I went into labour with A&A. Just before I developed sepsis.

We all know I love a drama, but I could live without this.

Going to take my temp again in an hour, and if I am still under 37.5 degrees, I’ll call it a cold and go to bed 🙂 I just needed a bit more excitement in my life!

Update – 37.4. Going to bed.

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Further update – Wednesday morning, and I feel perfectly fine. CLearly it’s the paranoia setting in 🙂

It is starting

Mark and I went out party hopping last night, and after a nice sleep in this morning (thanks Bev & Ted), I have started to bleed.

The doctors said it might take weeks, so I am relieved that it is happening naturally. I was offered surgery, but I have this crazy notion that avoiding hospitals and surgery is the best way to go. There is a remote possibility that I may still need surgery, but at least for now, things are looking “good”.

As to how I feel emotionally, I am (touch wood), surprisingly OK. At my age (42 in May), the risk of miscarriage in in any pregnancy is about 50%, so although I have never had one before, I have now spent too much time with other women that have been through this over and over and over to be able to feel too sorry for myself. Mark and I are exceedingly blessed with one freakily awesome child already, and it is mostly for his sake that I want to provide him with a sibling. I also recognise just how awful it was for him to be deprived of a mama for so long, and then to get me back as a shadow, filled with sadness and longing, and barely able to do the physical work of mothering. As to the emotional task of mothering, I am getting better at that, but it has been a long, long road.

So far, my self protective mechanisms seem to have worked quite well. I was grateful to have found out that this baby was gone at 9 weeks and not 19 weeks. I make no judgement about what different gestations mean to other mothers, but to me, so far, it seems far easier to say goodbye to the dream now, rather than further down the track.

And once again I am reminded about how lucky I am to be surrounded by really wonderful people, both family and friends. Had I had the need, I had a huge team of people who would have dropped everything to be with me when I got the news. People that I may not see every day, but who nonetheless are willing and able to step up during a crisis. People who know what it is to suffer, and are willing to share the ride.

Right now, all I can feel is gratitude for the blessings that are in my life. Maybe the bitterness will come in it’s own time, but now I’ll enjoy the love.

Kidzania

Jen from Rainbow Days posted about an awesome adventure place for kids in Jakarta.

I’ve never really spent much time in Jakarta, usually preferring to use it as a big noisy, smelly & rude transit lounge to much nicer places, but I think this is something Inigo would love so much it might even be worth a social visit.

Check out the website, there isn’t one in Australia yet, but Tokyo and Mumbai are on my travel wish lists 🙂

Finally enrolled

But because this has all taken so freaking long – all the tute, lecture and prac places are filled, and I have been forced to enrol in classes on Tuesdays and Wednesdays that are on after I have to pick up Inigo from preschool.

I’ll have to try begging to get into some of the classes that are already full.

Oh, UNE, how I miss you!

Oh, and I finally had contact from the hospital. I’ll see the high risk team on the first of March. Let’s keep our fingers crossed that I make it that far.

Enrollment day

Tomorrow is enrolment day at Macquarie. I am all kinds of conflicted about the decision, but for now, I am going to stick with Macquarie. If it all goes pear shaped, I am pretty sure UNE would take me back, and give me credit for anything I achieve at Macquarie, so it’s a pretty low risk experiment.

That said, it’s a lot of hassle to avoid being away from my kid for one three day residential school. Now the wheels are in motion, and I am going to make the best of things, and try to be excited about my first ever experience as an on campus university student. At 42 years of age, I’ll be finding out what I missed out on by having my *head up my own arse at 18 years old.

*Disclaimer – while I think that most 18 year olds have their head up their own arses, I think there are exceptions, and some of them even pass first year. I also think it is fair to note that in the intervening years my head has not been entirely, or permanently removed from its place of lodging.

Wish me luck!

Blog chaos

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A pic from Tuesdays Auburn Breastfeeding mums ABA group – our room was double booked, so we squeezed 21 people into a tiny room! Lots of happy mums and babies, it’s such a joy to be part of this lovely group.

Apparently some one/thing has hacked into my blog again. I find this painful because the blog is my touchstone for where I was, what I was doing, and for reaching out and connecting. Life wouldn’t fall apart without the sparkly pink background gif and assorted blatherings, but it would be less fun.

And I find it very strange that anyone would bother trying to tear me down. I don’t get thousands of hits a week, or run a business, or do anything interesting here (unless you think talking about gin, dead babies and university bureaucracy is fun), so I can’t see what possible purpose there is in attacking it.

Mark seems to have fixed it now, bless him, and I hope the attacks stop. But I can see a new host in our future. Any recommendations internet peeps?

In real life today, I went to my support group, then had lunch with some lovely friends. So lovely in fact that I think all three of us ended up in tears more than once, and though it was wrenching and painful and hard, it was also uplifting and nurturing.

Then Squish had his first piano lesson, which he loved, and we’re looking forward to going back next week.

The tiredness is starting to get to me. I’m (apparently) still pregnant, and the first trimester tiredness is kicking my butt. The nausea rears it’s head every now and then, but it’s the tiredness that is really kicking me around. Driving to Lilyfield and back, and sitting on my butt all day has really taken it out of me.

So on that note, goodnight, and I will see the world tomorrow at about midday, when I finally get out of bed. Mark has this week off, so he is taking Squish to singing playgroup, and I get to have a massive lie in. And I don’t feel guilty at all much.