It is starting

Mark and I went out party hopping last night, and after a nice sleep in this morning (thanks Bev & Ted), I have started to bleed.

The doctors said it might take weeks, so I am relieved that it is happening naturally. I was offered surgery, but I have this crazy notion that avoiding hospitals and surgery is the best way to go. There is a remote possibility that I may still need surgery, but at least for now, things are looking “good”.

As to how I feel emotionally, I am (touch wood), surprisingly OK. At my age (42 in May), the risk of miscarriage in in any pregnancy is about 50%, so although I have never had one before, I have now spent too much time with other women that have been through this over and over and over to be able to feel too sorry for myself. Mark and I are exceedingly blessed with one freakily awesome child already, and it is mostly for his sake that I want to provide him with a sibling. I also recognise just how awful it was for him to be deprived of a mama for so long, and then to get me back as a shadow, filled with sadness and longing, and barely able to do the physical work of mothering. As to the emotional task of mothering, I am getting better at that, but it has been a long, long road.

So far, my self protective mechanisms seem to have worked quite well. I was grateful to have found out that this baby was gone at 9 weeks and not 19 weeks. I make no judgement about what different gestations mean to other mothers, but to me, so far, it seems far easier to say goodbye to the dream now, rather than further down the track.

And once again I am reminded about how lucky I am to be surrounded by really wonderful people, both family and friends. Had I had the need, I had a huge team of people who would have dropped everything to be with me when I got the news. People that I may not see every day, but who nonetheless are willing and able to step up during a crisis. People who know what it is to suffer, and are willing to share the ride.

Right now, all I can feel is gratitude for the blessings that are in my life. Maybe the bitterness will come in it’s own time, but now I’ll enjoy the love.