Tag: Spawn

Today’s conversation with my lovely doctor…

She: Have you had any bleeding?

Me: Yes, I’ve been bleeding for a week – but just bits here and there.

She: We’ll do a scan just to have a look.

Yes, I can see the sac is still there. Just a minute, and I will see if we can use medical management.

Me: What is medical management?

She: I’ll find out if we can do it first, then I will tell you about it.

She then disappears for half an hour, whilst I consult doctor google. Apparently, “medical management” means using RU486 to induce labour. I am not feeling keen.

She: Unfortunately we don’t yet have the protocols in place, so I can’t give you that.

Me: Never mind, I probably would have refused anyway.

She: So do you want to come back next week?

Me: No.

She: I just don’t want you to get lost in the system. (I am assuming that this means that I go without treatment, have a haemorrhage and die).

Me: You know I won’t mess about if something goes wrong. I have no interest in being a hero, and if there is a lot of blood, or my temp soars, I won’t hesitate to call an ambulance.

She: I am away at a conference next week anyway, how about in 2 weeks?

Me: Have a great time in New Zealand 🙂

I had some bleeding tonight. I had just enough to think this might be really happening, and then it seems to have stopped.

Feeling fine, tired, nauseous, and cranky, and poor Inigo is suffering from my bad temper, but pretty good considering.

Thanks for the well wishes.

Bonnie came with me to the hospital today, and Roshni was back from holidays. It was actually really lovely to touch base with her again – she said that she’d been thinking about me lately. She and I do have a lovely understanding.

1 in 200 miscarriages results in bleeding that goes beyond what is healthy. If this happens, and you don’t get to hospital, things get ugly. Which is why Roshni thinks I should opt for the D&C, and avoid the risk. From her perspective, it’s better to avoid that .5% risk than take the risk of having surgery.

From my perspective, the inherent risks of surgery (general anaesthetic, infection, sharp instruments near bits of me that have had quite a ride already…) far outweigh the benefits of well, waiting.

Don’t get me wrong, I HATE waiting. But having unnecessary surgery to avoid having to wait seems a bit extreme, even to me. Normally, miscarriages happen between 2-4 weeks after the baby stops growing. Which means that I am just inside the window now, and that if I wait another 2 weeks, statistically, I’m likely to miscarry naturally.

Worst case scenario, if I do bleed too much, I have good support, I can get myself to hospital, or call an ambulance, or call someone to help out. I am paranoid enough to be cautious, and I’ve already experienced a nasty infection, so I know about the warning signs there too.

All in all, I am comfortable with the decision to wait, apart from the requirement that I attend the hospital every week until I get the all clear.

That sucks.

And the worst bit? I’m still deathly tired, and still puking.

So rude.

9pm on a Tuesday night, and my temp is going up. Feeling a bit crappy.

Just like I did before I went into labour with A&A. Just before I developed sepsis.

We all know I love a drama, but I could live without this.

Going to take my temp again in an hour, and if I am still under 37.5 degrees, I’ll call it a cold and go to bed 🙂 I just needed a bit more excitement in my life!

Update – 37.4. Going to bed.

——————————

Further update – Wednesday morning, and I feel perfectly fine. CLearly it’s the paranoia setting in 🙂

After a brief show the other day, there has been no further action. The waiting continues.

Mark and I went out party hopping last night, and after a nice sleep in this morning (thanks Bev & Ted), I have started to bleed.

The doctors said it might take weeks, so I am relieved that it is happening naturally. I was offered surgery, but I have this crazy notion that avoiding hospitals and surgery is the best way to go. There is a remote possibility that I may still need surgery, but at least for now, things are looking “good”.

As to how I feel emotionally, I am (touch wood), surprisingly OK. At my age (42 in May), the risk of miscarriage in in any pregnancy is about 50%, so although I have never had one before, I have now spent too much time with other women that have been through this over and over and over to be able to feel too sorry for myself. Mark and I are exceedingly blessed with one freakily awesome child already, and it is mostly for his sake that I want to provide him with a sibling. I also recognise just how awful it was for him to be deprived of a mama for so long, and then to get me back as a shadow, filled with sadness and longing, and barely able to do the physical work of mothering. As to the emotional task of mothering, I am getting better at that, but it has been a long, long road.

So far, my self protective mechanisms seem to have worked quite well. I was grateful to have found out that this baby was gone at 9 weeks and not 19 weeks. I make no judgement about what different gestations mean to other mothers, but to me, so far, it seems far easier to say goodbye to the dream now, rather than further down the track.

And once again I am reminded about how lucky I am to be surrounded by really wonderful people, both family and friends. Had I had the need, I had a huge team of people who would have dropped everything to be with me when I got the news. People that I may not see every day, but who nonetheless are willing and able to step up during a crisis. People who know what it is to suffer, and are willing to share the ride.

Right now, all I can feel is gratitude for the blessings that are in my life. Maybe the bitterness will come in it’s own time, but now I’ll enjoy the love.

Jen from Rainbow Days posted about an awesome adventure place for kids in Jakarta.

I’ve never really spent much time in Jakarta, usually preferring to use it as a big noisy, smelly & rude transit lounge to much nicer places, but I think this is something Inigo would love so much it might even be worth a social visit.

Check out the website, there isn’t one in Australia yet, but Tokyo and Mumbai are on my travel wish lists 🙂

So IF there is a heartbeat on Thursday afternoon, I have support in place for the long road ahead. She is very experienced, and has had stillborn twins, so she KNOWS what this feels like. I am very, very lucky to have found just the right person. Thank you FSM for the connection!