Author: laranettle

Miriam, come here!

Mama is right here baby, what do you need.

No mama, I want Miriam, go away.

What is wrong baby?

I don’t want you to be my mama. I want a mama that isn’t sad all the time.

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And right there, I wanted to die. I thought that I wasn’t going to be able to draw another breath into my body. How can I recover from that, repair my relationship with the most important person in the world? I thought I was doing a great job of staying positive, and upbeat, and jolly. I thought I was succeeding in being a good mama, despite my huge sadness.

But no, I suck. So now I am wondering if I need to give up uni and spend more time with my baby, despite the fact that uni has been one thing that I have really been enjoying. Should I quit and try to be more focussed on Inigo, or should I keep going and hope that it makes me happier so that I am more fun to be around in the long run?

We had a long talk in the car on the way home, and he assures me that tomorrow, when he wakes up from a big sleep and feels better, he will ask me to be his mama again. I hope so. Otherwise, mama won’t know how to keep breathing.

Mama, our babies died.

Yes darling, they both died.

But I wanted to bring them home with us. I wanted to have my baby brothers.

Me too baby.

I miss them, I want my brothers. Why did they die?

I miss them too – and we did everything we could to keep them with us. Sometimes, if you try really, really hard, you can change the outcomes. But sometimes, it doesn’t matter how hard you try, how hard you work, or how hard you hope, some things just don’t work out the way you want them to.

And they just died.

Yes bubbaloo. They died. And we’re very sad.

But I want my brothers. I want my brothers.

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Just when you think things are going well, it all turns to shit. I am assured by my gorgeous grief counsellor that I am handling Inigo’s questions well, but it kills me to have to be so calm and considered, when all I want to do is sob and scream, and rage. But I don’t, because my baby needs me to be a grown up. And that’s a choice.

The awesome company that Mark works for are shouting us a trip. A recovery trip, anywhere we want to go – they will pay for it. When Mark took time off after the babies were born, and Archie died, he didn’t have much sick leave accrued, as he had only been with the company for a few months. So they just paid him. His full salary, with no leave debt. They just paid him.

I am pretty well staggered by how awesome they have been already, and this trip is just what this little family needs, to get away from everything for a short break, white sandy beaches and daiquiris have a lot of appeal right now.

There is just one problem. Where to go?

Here are the parameters;

We’d like the option of a kids club. Inigo is three now, and might actually enjoy being off having adventures. Or he might scream the place down and it would be a waste of time, but it would be a good thing to at least try.

We’d like white sandy beaches, daiquiris, and poolboys. Ok, I am prepared to compromise on the poolboys.

Somewhere the Australian dollar is strong – although the company is paying, I don’t expect they will chip in spending money.

I need internets. No, not planning on being attached to the computer 24/7 while on holiday, but I may need to access the university website to do some uni work.

Not too far in travel time – I used to have a theory that the number of hours in flight time should equal the number of weeks spent in a given country. This time we will only have a week or so, so less travel time is better than more.

Price. Obviously, we’re not paying, but I don’t want to push the friendship. Nor do I want to stay in my usual backpackers hovels. I want running water, I want electricity, and goddammit, I want air conditioning. And poolboys.

And this last one might be a bit of a stretch, but I’d like somewhere that has decent vegetarian food. Not that I am particularly vegetarian these days, but I still see myself as a vegetarian, and won’t eat anything but veggie food in front of the kid. One day my moral compass will point north again, but for now I have bigger fish to fry.

Last parameter. I’d really like to holiday somewhere that isn’t going to have a revolution, an earthquake, a tsunami or a hurricane.

Is that too much to ask?

Any ideas?

PS. TMI WARNING>>>

I have a nasty virus. If you’ve seen me lately, watch out for a sore throat and cough, severe stomach cramps, and gastro like symptoms. Apparently it’s going around, and my doctor recommends keeping your fluids up and resting. I recommend gin and panadeine forte.

Customisable, and available here.

I’m not making anything by advertising these guys, but I am a fan. They do really cute name puzzles, and I have been buying them for birthday presents over the years. When I found out that Oscar lost a letter from his, I emailed them to ask if replacements were available. “Sure”, they said, “what colour do you need, we’ll send it out at no cost”. Awesome.