Two years down

Tomorrow marks two years since my waters broke, and my worldview shifted. Two years since I stopped believing in karma, and fairness, and balance. Two years since I stopped taking what I had for granted, and started to live with fear and hope, and after that, with loss.

And I am OK. Really, truly, OK.

Life will never be the same. I will never be the same person. But that is OK too. Little Aubrey Michael, who never drew breath will always be a part of my heart, and his “big” brother Archimedes Hare, who worked so hard to stay with us, and Inigo George, who never had his chance to be a big brother – each of these boys has shaped the person I have become, and because of each of them, I am different.

Loss has certainly shaped me, and though I am marked by this, I am not defined by it. As I look at my life today, my opportunities and my blessings, I feel like the grief is flaking away, and recollections of my twins begin to have positive associations.

Resilience is a trait I have never seen much of in myself. Stubbornness, yes, but the true ability to bounce back after a low kick hasn’t been a strong point of mine. Now, I can look at where I have been, and where I am, and where I am going, and I cannot explain the change without attributing it to developing a true bounce.

Of course I regret that my babies aren’t here now, smearing yoghurt on the furniture and waking me at 2am for a breastfeed. And I would never have chosen this outcome in a million years. But this is the hand I have been dealt, and I am pleased and amazed, and proud to say that right now, I am dealing with it.