Two years down

Tomorrow marks two years since my waters broke, and my worldview shifted. Two years since I stopped believing in karma, and fairness, and balance. Two years since I stopped taking what I had for granted, and started to live with fear and hope, and after that, with loss.

And I am OK. Really, truly, OK.

Life will never be the same. I will never be the same person. But that is OK too. Little Aubrey Michael, who never drew breath will always be a part of my heart, and his “big” brother Archimedes Hare, who worked so hard to stay with us, and Inigo George, who never had his chance to be a big brother – each of these boys has shaped the person I have become, and because of each of them, I am different.

Loss has certainly shaped me, and though I am marked by this, I am not defined by it. As I look at my life today, my opportunities and my blessings, I feel like the grief is flaking away, and recollections of my twins begin to have positive associations.

Resilience is a trait I have never seen much of in myself. Stubbornness, yes, but the true ability to bounce back after a low kick hasn’t been a strong point of mine. Now, I can look at where I have been, and where I am, and where I am going, and I cannot explain the change without attributing it to developing a true bounce.

Of course I regret that my babies aren’t here now, smearing yoghurt on the furniture and waking me at 2am for a breastfeed. And I would never have chosen this outcome in a million years. But this is the hand I have been dealt, and I am pleased and amazed, and proud to say that right now, I am dealing with it.

4 thoughts on “Two years down”

  1. We are definitely shaped by life and our experiences.
    Shaped too by love. And sometimes healed.
    The love of your family shows in your blog posts and pictures.
    Blessings be.


  2. You say you have not seen much bounce-backednessability (ok yes I did paraphrase and make up another word) and resiliance in your self… well take a good long look in the mirror my darling friend – you have done awesome things and are a powerful woman, the way you take your experience and use it to help others is an amazing thing – something I don’t know if I could do


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