One

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Frog Chops 1, 2, and 3, bathing

Today, my babies should have been turning one. We didn’t celebrate, didn’t visit the cemetery, and I didn’t collapse into an alcoholic stupor.

Because, I’m pregnant.

I want to write “it looks like I am pregnant”, or, “I might be pregnant”. But the pee on the stick doesn’t lie. It doesn’t guarantee anything. But for the past three days (since the day my period was due), there have been two little pink lines of the stick. Very faint on the first day, but getting stronger day by day.

And there are a shedload of things that can, and probably will go wrong. At this point I am approximately 4 weeks and one day along. Something like 50% of pregnancies miscarry withing the first trimester – before 12 weeks. Conventional wisdom says that you shouldn’t announce a pregnancy until after this “danger period” has passed.

But hey, I was well out of my first trimester when things went pear shaped during my pregnancy with the twins. Aubrey was 19 weeks when he died. Archimedes was well past “viability” when he was born.

Crazy, terrible, devastating things happen during pregnancy, and there is no magic “safe” time. Your baby can die during labour, or you can have her for three years and have her die in her sleep. I have lost the comfort of believing that these things don’t happen, or that they happen to “other people”.

I am now the living embodiment of that horrible warning. The woman with the dead babies. The one that you don’t quite know what to say to. And that is ok – “I don’t know what to say” is a perfectly acceptable thing to say.

So the announcement is coming now for two reasons.

1. I am not your gorgeous glowing pregnant woman. I get really tired, really nauseous, and I find it really hard to stay cheerful and hide my symptoms in public. And this time there is one other symptom that I will be unable to hide. The all consuming terror. The countdown to early September (if we make it) will be glacial. Every hour, every twinge, every cramp, every visit to the toilet will be, in my mind, a harbinger of doom. It’s hard to live a normal life when you feel like that.

2. If this goes pear shaped, I will need people to know. Miscarriage is such a private thing, rarely discussed, usually hidden and secret. Baby loss used to be the same way, whispered about, but never discussed openly.

And that just isn’t my style.

24 thoughts on “One”

  1. Congratulations Lara!

    Especially on choosing to tell us all! 😉

    I am one who believes that miscarriage & babyloss should be discussed openly, along with any other traumatic, grief-inducing events that might occur.

    But then, I am biased by my experiences…

    Shall be thinking of you as each day passes and hoping fervently that all goes well.

    Take care, especially on that bike!

    Susan x

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  2. Wow! Congrats Lara, mark and indigo! Fabulous news, and good on you for sharing- all of it. Of course some people don’t know what to say, as you say, it’s fine, no need to avoid the situation like it’d go away if you did.

    I will pray for you between now and September, I know thats not your thing. Hang in there, you have survived some really tough stuff and are doing well with the scars of that. You can and will get through this too, you are amazing. Even 50%odds of miscarriage is 50% odds of not miscarrying. ( not making light of it, the odds didn’t help me much when miss s was looking at possible downs syndrome, but it is true, you have to be realistic about the maybes including maybe joy as well as maybe pain.)

    Looking forward to your updates,

    Lisa

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  3. Oh sweet heart. my heart bursts with excitement, and with the terror you must be feeling. I know it too well.

    I hope this pregnancy comes with joy more powerful than fear, happiness longer than sadness.

    Heart is with you. xx

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  4. Howdie Lara. Congratulations and sorry in the same sentence seems strange. Know that how ever things turn out, you and your family have people that love you and are always willing to “talk” even if we dont know what to say xx Much love xx

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  5. The bleeding/drinking diet didnt make sense to me until well after you guys left last week. Other than that remark, I am speechless – probably because I need to save my breath for reassuring you that everything is going to be alright.

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  6. A friend posted this on facebook.
    Wow. Youre feelings about your pregnancy mirror mine so perfectly its a little scary. I lost twins at 22 weeks in 2009 and find myself 12 weeks pregnant, due in August 2012.

    I agree with you about the whole wait til the first trimester thing so perfectly. It really means nothing and I told close friends a few days after I found out.
    The fear is overwhelming at times and I need to try so hard to think rationally and not be super paranoid, yet still be careful enough to recognise any early signs of something going wrong. A tightrope Im sure you understand.
    Anyway, I just wanted to wish you all the very best through your pregnancy.

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  7. Congratulations on your pregnancy Lara. I think that feeling scared must be normal after what you have been through. I hope and wish that this pregnancy goes well, and that September finds you with another little one in your life. Xxx

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  8. Thanks for sharing. Ive never really understood the whole dont tell anyone until after the danger period. In fact a friend of mine lied to me just so she didnt have to say she was pregnant. Lets just say were not so friendly anymore, Id rather she say nothing than lie!

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  9. I dont know what to say.

    If I was there I would be hugging you and crying, I would be terrified for and with you, but you have to grasp the happy feelings when you can.

    My Holly has had 3 miscarriages and an ectopic thisast year, no reasons found beside earthquake stress, we walk a tightrope between joy and despair in this life, but oh the joy!. Xxx

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  10. I applaud you for sharing this. I am also in the camp that we shouldnt be hiding unpleasant, scary or painful things.

    What you have been through – well, I really have no words…

    And I am hopeful for what is to come.

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  11. I also know that it doesnt just happen to others and I live each day with the knowledge it can happen again, yet I embrace life and love, and all their challenges as I know you do. Travel safely on your journey.

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  12. Thats wonderful news and thank you for sharing. I know youve got friends better than me for this (those whove actually been pregnant/had babies) but were all here for you.

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  13. wow, wow, wow! Im not sure what the right thing is to say – I am excited and optimistic for you, and so trepidatious at the same time. Many hugs your way.

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  14. I don’t have words, just sending you big love… you are surrounded by white light from the fairly odd parent…

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  15. Wow, something in the water these days! That makes two UOTO pregnancies. Each has come as such a surprise. Im so happy for you and awed by your courage. Were all with you.

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  16. (Anna’s friend)
    Lara, I’m really happy to hear your news. I haven’t seen you but have actually thought of you regularly and will continue to do so.
    XX Jacqui

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  17. Absolutely fabulous news Lara. I am so delighted for you. Hang on to the joy you and Mark feel and try to keep the hope for your little one. We can survive all sorts of pain, somehow. Go Women! I wish you all the love and happiness life holds. Love Leonie.

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  18. Just saw this and WOW, I have a heart full of hope for you! I miscarried two babies after our first child, so have an inkling of how youre feeling. Also agree so wholeheartedly that we need to talk about miscarriage, not sweep it under the rug. Putting it OUT THERE was such a huge part of the healing for me. Love & light.

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