Today we finally found out that our other baby was also a boy.
When my mum was two years old, her mum (my grandmother, Rita), gave birth to a baby boy with a hole in his heart. These days there is a relatively simple surgery to correct the problem, and babies born with this condition live perfectly normal lives. But back then, it was a death sentence, and Nanna wasnt even allowed to meet her baby boy. He lived for ten days.
Nanna called him Michael, and even though she went on to have two more children, she was never the same.
To honor Nanna, and the appalling way she was treated, our other baby will be called Aubrey Michael.
Ill probably be released from hospital tomorrow (assuming they are happy with the new pain meeds they are giving me), and we are meeting with the funeral directors on Wednesday to discuss arrangements, so it will probably be a few days before we have all the details ironed out.
Nannas experience of infant loss was awful, and I am motivated by her experience to make sure that our family has a much better experience. Weve got a grief counsellor lined up, weve got some materials to help Inigo through navigating the funeral and related dramas. And we have made a commitment that we will answer all of Inigos questions as directly and openly as we possibly can. And part of that is talking about these babies. We wont be pretending nothing happened, and we wont be pretending that everything is ok.
As our friends and family, you can help us by talking about the babies. Ask questions, say their names, keep them alive in our hearts. Its very hard to deal with such an impossible burden of grief and loss, and it can be very hard to know what is the right thing to say – so many people say nothing. Please dont worry about saying the wrong thing, the only wrong thing is to say nothing.
Archie and Aubrey will always be a part of our family, and I am amazed at how many lives they have touched already.
In time I will get around to posting more about their birth, and the medical details of what happened, and I will post funeral details as soon as they are finalised.
And once more I would like to thank everyone, friends, family, and even perfect strangers who have reached out to us in these past few days. I feel very loved at this bleak and desperate time.
15 thoughts on “Baby Update”
I was so sorry to read your sad news. I am glad we live now, when you can hold your baby and say goodbye.
Archie and Aubrey are such lovely names for your angels. Waiting to hear about their goodbye ceremony. Will be there.
I know Mum felt huge pain at the silencing of her grief when she lost a baby. I hope the sharing and getting support will help you through this.
Im so glad that you were able to find out about Archies twin being a boy.
beautiful, perfect choice of name.
I will always remember Archie and Aubrey and hold their memory in my heart.
Your Nanna would be very proud of you Lara and I am sure would love that you named one of your children after her son. That is a very special gesture to have made. I also am a firm believer in answering childrens questions as fully and completely as you can. This is a grieving process for Inigo as well as you. Continuing to think of you and your family.
Another stranger sends thoughts of love.xx
Both of these boys have beautiful names, and a beautiful mother. I have been awed by your courage throughout this journey, and I only wish there was something I could do to help.
Good to hear from you Lara, sounds as if you and Mark are doing everything the best way you could.
Its good to know how you planned on shortening Archimedes – Im happy (keen!) to talk about your babes, and really glad youve old us what you need from us. But Archie and Aubrey is an easier mouthful!
My Dads Dad was Aubrey, its a name Im fond of. And my Dad was a twin, whose brother died when they were 6 – the trick cyclists advised his parents to send him straight to boarding school.
Thank heavens for better advice and support for Inigo now!
Aubrey and Archimedes are both beautiful names. I promise to use them both often.
Aubrey Michael is a beautiful name – and beautifully chosen. I am sure your Nanna would be so proud of you, Lara, for making the choices you have. Your strength and willingness to do the best thing over the easy thing is truly admirable.
Thank you so much for caring about us, your friends, in this time when you have every right to retreat and wrap yourselves away. Telling us what you need and how we can help truly is a wonderful gift. I hope we can reflect back the love you show us.
Aubrey is a lovely name. I will think of your boys together, Archie and Aubrey and enjoy saying their names. Take care of yourself xxS
Archie and Aubrey are lovely names. Thinking of you all.
What a handsome little boy he was. I am sending you and your family a big hug. You are so brave to share your family story. Thank you for that.
Thinking of you tonight Lara. Thank you for sharing Archie & Aubrey with us.
Just another complete stranger sending hugs.
And admiration to you and your family and friends for fighting such a good fight for your little guys. So sorry it ended this way.