On the appearance of mental health


Today is my first full day of exam panic. It also coincides with being 364 days after Archie and Aubrey were born, and my ability to put one foot in front of the other (as a figure of speech) feels pretty damn compromised.

I’m still weeks and weeks behind in my exam preparation, which means that if I knuckle down and concentrate for the next 6 days, I might pass. But if I keep wanting to scream hysterically, weep hopelessly, and rage against the sick twist of fate that robbed me of my babies, then I don’t even think I’ll be able to complete the exam.

I can’t see what the rest of the world thinks of me, but I get the impression that I look ok. The kid gets fed, and cuddled, his clothes are mostly clean, the bills are paid, the house is as good as it gets. And I am torn between the feeling that it is enough, that the appearance of a functional life is about as good as I can expect of myself for now, and wondering if I am just so broken that I won’t ever really be normal again.

And that is just way too much head stuff going on when I should be thinking about school.

The real kicker? The topic i have been studying for the past few days is about psychological disorders. Triggers anyone?

4 thoughts on “On the appearance of mental health”

  1. I think you are fantastic and amazing. Sometimes, exms don’t go the way we hope. But you are still fantastic and amazing, and I admire you most intensely.


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