Disco Knitter

Squish came with me to get my blood test this morning. It hurt like hell. I had blood tests up the waazoo in 2010, and got quite accustomed to it. This one gave me a cold sweat, and I was taken right back to those days at the hospital when they were trying to figure out what drugs the bug in my blood would respond to.

I’ll get the results on Friday morning, and if they are within what is expected for dates, I’ll get a referral to see Roshni.

I went to the “Pregnant and Paranoid” group at SIDS & Kids today. It’s always wrenching and exhausting going to groups, but it’s also very normalising, and reassuring.

My request for recognition of prior studies came through today, Macquarie are willing to grant me 20 credit points for my 48. Which is almost fair – my 48 cover 7 whole 100 level units, and at Macquarie, 100 level units are worth 3 credit points. Why I didn’t get the extra 1 point, I don’t know, but I am disinclined to ask, considering the run around I had to go through last time I asked a question. Perhaps I can deal with it later. Perhaps I can fight it if I have any fight left in me later…

And the Squish. Has a 38 degree fever and a headache. Currently in flannel pyjamas, watching “Annie”, and eating weetbix for dinner. Poor baby.

He was so brave, he didnt even cry when he had his needles (x2). Hes now waiting for an adverse reaction in the waiting room. With a well deserved lollipop.

And the doctor was impressed with his pronunciation of vaccination!

Touch wood.

I’ve spoken to my midwife, who reckons that I am still a candidate for a home birth. But that I should check in with Roshni (my lovely high risk OB at the hospital). I was hoping that I could avoid the hospital, but probably isn’t rational – borne out of having had waaaay to much medical stuff after the twins were born.

Of course, I am still very, very terrified. Beyond terrified. I’m convinced that this will end in tears, that we won’t come home with a healthy baby, that Inigo won’t have a brother or sister. Apparently most women who are pregnant again after a loss don’t acknowledge it or make plans until much, much later. With my history though, I think that if I want this baby to live, I have to be open to whatever my medical team advises.

So on Tuesday, Inigo and I are going to the GP. He for his 4 year old vaccinations and a new referral to talk to the paediatrician (some anomaly with his last hearing test), and me for a blood test (just to make sure the hormone levels are on track for where they should be – I’d rather avoid a scan if I can), and a referral to see Roshni.

Tonight we told Inigo that we were working on another baby. Last time, we told him he was going to have two babies. This time, we’re “working on it”.

First sunny day in ages, and we are still in bed

a picture of daddy having fun

Inigo had a great time today, and is looking forward to going back tomorrow. He really loves Claire, one of the teachers, and he loves Eva and Jody too.

Eva thought that I packed too much food for him. She has no idea how much that kid can eat when he isnt distracted!

As for Macquarie, I think their assessment protocols suck. Evie got it right, they shouldnt be punishing me for a fuckup in 19-freaking-99. Or 2000. If I recall correctly, I dropped out of uni when my grandmother died. Lots of stuff in my life was down the toilet. I didnt know why I was studying, I had no direction, and I didnt withdraw in time to escape academic penalty. Cest la vie.

But for now, if I can get into a Bachelor of Science, do some psych subjects, and then dazzle them with my brilliance for a while, I should be able to easily transfer into the BA/Psych or the BSc/Psych.

Well, that is the plan. There are a few more hurdles, like, will they give me credit for the 3 units I did in 1999/2000? Of they are going to punish me for the failures, they bloody well better give me credit for the wins.

And then there is convincing the lecturers to allow me to study Psych subjects when I am not enrolled in a Psych degree. But that is a battle for another day.
I havent even been accepted yet, and I am already hating the bureaucracy!

Ready for school – Mark went in to work late, and we all cycled to preschool together. He asked us to wait for 5 minutes, but was then happy to let us go.

Last seen playing by himself, I am hopeful that he will make friends and that he will come home looking forward to going again tomorrow. Waiting till 3.30pm to find out how is is doing is so hard!

Now, on to Chad…

Frog Chops 1, 2, and 3, bathing

Today, my babies should have been turning one. We didn’t celebrate, didn’t visit the cemetery, and I didn’t collapse into an alcoholic stupor.

Because, I’m pregnant.

I want to write “it looks like I am pregnant”, or, “I might be pregnant”. But the pee on the stick doesn’t lie. It doesn’t guarantee anything. But for the past three days (since the day my period was due), there have been two little pink lines of the stick. Very faint on the first day, but getting stronger day by day.

And there are a shedload of things that can, and probably will go wrong. At this point I am approximately 4 weeks and one day along. Something like 50% of pregnancies miscarry withing the first trimester – before 12 weeks. Conventional wisdom says that you shouldn’t announce a pregnancy until after this “danger period” has passed.

But hey, I was well out of my first trimester when things went pear shaped during my pregnancy with the twins. Aubrey was 19 weeks when he died. Archimedes was well past “viability” when he was born.

Crazy, terrible, devastating things happen during pregnancy, and there is no magic “safe” time. Your baby can die during labour, or you can have her for three years and have her die in her sleep. I have lost the comfort of believing that these things don’t happen, or that they happen to “other people”.

I am now the living embodiment of that horrible warning. The woman with the dead babies. The one that you don’t quite know what to say to. And that is ok – “I don’t know what to say” is a perfectly acceptable thing to say.

So the announcement is coming now for two reasons.

1. I am not your gorgeous glowing pregnant woman. I get really tired, really nauseous, and I find it really hard to stay cheerful and hide my symptoms in public. And this time there is one other symptom that I will be unable to hide. The all consuming terror. The countdown to early September (if we make it) will be glacial. Every hour, every twinge, every cramp, every visit to the toilet will be, in my mind, a harbinger of doom. It’s hard to live a normal life when you feel like that.

2. If this goes pear shaped, I will need people to know. Miscarriage is such a private thing, rarely discussed, usually hidden and secret. Baby loss used to be the same way, whispered about, but never discussed openly.

And that just isn’t my style.

Tonight, Inigo fell asleep listening to the first chapter of “The Hobbit”. My dad read it to my brother and I when I was about 4, and I figured he was ready to encounter long form stories.

We started with a CD collection of Enid Blyton stories read by Kate Winslet in the car, he was enthralled.

It’s so great to have a kid that appreciates the finer things in life

Some people have Godparents, some have Fairly Odd Parents, and now Aurore and Freya have “Spare Parents” – Mark and I!

Today Bonnie and Zenia asked us if we would accept the position, and I immediately burst into tears. Not only are Frog Chops 1 and Frog Chops 2 (Inigo has earned the moniker Frog Chops 3) two of the most adorable, sparkly eyed, feisty, clever and captivating children you could hope to meet, their parents are very special people too.

Inigo still has three of his original four “Odd Parents” who take an active role in his life, and I know the care and consideration we put in to selecting those people – people that we hoped would be a part of his life as he grew up, people that he would be able to turn to no matter what. People that would love him unconditionally, people that would be there for him if ever we couldn’t be.

It’s a special job. A sacred job. One that I am honoured to do. And feel very lucky to have the opportunity.

We went to the post office to pick up some shopping – a new t-shirt that says Awesome in groovy 70s lettering. So of course he had to wear it today

Leapy looking perplexed by Costco – a reasonable response….

Demonstrating his newfound climbing prowess at the Spotlight playground

Such a big grown up boy!

Making tea party friends at Parramatta Park

Borrowing Charlie’s new bike – and riding properly for the first time.

Today we had an impromptu Granville meet-up. Saw some old friends, and met a new one! One that works at UAC no less! Alas no promises of inside help, but it’s great to meet lovely people in Granville. I love that we have such a great community here.

Mark took Inigo out for his first tandem bike ride today, most of the way to preschool. Hopefully, tomorrow will be dry enough that we can take all the bikes to the park so that we can go for a ride together

Thanks to mum for picking up the tool to install it, and getting Inigo a hat that actually fits his enormous head!

Mum took Squish & Alex to the wildlife park on the central coast last weekend. During the snake talk, the keeper asked for volunteers to handle the snake.

Guess who had his hand up first?

Ill pick her up on a day or so. And the name may change, but its working for me today.

Were getting Squish a half bike, so we’ll be able to ride to preschool together at the end of the month. Squeee!

Updated- I bought Ermentrude from Cell Bikes in Stanmore. Link here.

Alex came up to Pearl Beach with Nanna and Gonad for our last weekend, and he and Inigo had their first sleepover together. They both slept pretty well, but Alex woke up just before the crack of sparrow fart, and then said, are you awake Inigo? just loud enough to make sure that he was. The conversation that followed was gorgeous (I listened from the other room).

Alex: We went to Fiji.

Inigo: We went to Fiji too. Fiji is my favourite place. Did you have a good time in Fiji?

Alex: I had the most awesomest time ever! I went to the kids club every day.

Inigo: I want to go back to Fiji, but my mama says its very expensive. Mama has to give all her money to the bank, and then we can go back.

Alex: Were going back too. My mum and dad have lots of money, but they have to serve it all up.

Inigo: Yep. So then well go back to Fiji.

Alex: Yep.

Thanks to the Anti Bogan for the image.

Last Christmas, I was full of codeine, and the pain, though intense, was somewhat numbed by the drugs. This year, there are no drugs, and front and center in my brain is the fact that my babies should be celebrating their first Christmas with us. Ripping paper, and getting more excited by the wrapping paper than the presents, and conking out halfway through the day like a pair of aged hooligans.

Yesterday, a friends dad died. It wasn’t unexpected, but this Christmas is going to be sad for lots of families. A day of expectations, that many people find it hard to meet. I find it hard to meet any, and finding the festive “joy to all” spirit is proving a challenge.

So this year, I am sending a special thought out to everyone who can’t be with their loved ones this year, and those who don’t have anyone to love. The homeless, the dispossessed, and the refugees. And especially the bereaved.

Our Christmas charity this year will be SIDS & Kids, without whom this year would have been so much harder. Everyone knows that they do research on SIDS, and that they provide safe sleeping information for families, but it isn’t well known that they also provide counseling for bereaved parents, and their families and friends. Although counseling hasn’t made the horror go away, it does help a lot to know that the crazy is normal. Archie and Aubrey’s brief lives and then their deaths have changed me irrevocably. Eventually, I’d like to be able to say that I am a better person from having known the loss, and if I get there, SIDS & Kids will have been a bog part of that.

I’ll leave you with a little video from yesterday, Santa leaving the Pearl Beach Progress Hall after the chaos of meeting the local kids.

In his new postmodern t-shirt.

Had a rough day today, watching Rabbit Hole (the movie).

Anyone seen it?

Am I going to regret this?

On Saturday night, Inigo had his first sleepover with a friend. He’s had sleepovers with grandparents, but this was a leap of faith. Thanks to Richard and Miriam for looking after him so well, and to Oscar for being a good friend, and inviting him to play under the Christmas tree.

Two boys under a Christmas tree.

And Two parents having a great time at a Christmas Party

And some pretty fireworks!